Ok not really. But in my dreams he is the father of my daughter and treats her like a princess. He cooks, cleans, and lets me live a life of luxury, meets my every need, and loves my curves. He grants my every wish and whim and lavishes me with gifts and love songs. And feeds me chocolates. Shhh.....don't wake me.
I've known the face of my daughter for 5 months now. Since that fateful May (friday) the 13th, the day I found her, I have become the worst worry wort. I worry about her spina bifida. I worry about what to feed this girl. I worry about the first few days together, if she will be alergic to anything, if she will trust me quickly, is she will sleep well. I worry that she will scream all the way home, that she will have diarhea all over her and me, and that we will have brought the right size of clothes for her to wear. I worry that she will need surgery, that she won't bond with me, that she will not walk properly. I worry that she will not respond to my parenting, or that we will have enough money, and that she will hate all the things I love. I worry that I won't be enough for her. And I worry that she does not have a Daddy.
When God brought me to the point in my life where I knew it was time to adopt, He clearly said, "trust me." No other explaination was given. "Trust Me." I did pretty well with that command for all the years I have waited for Audrey. Now with just 5 weeks left before I meet her I find it harder and harder to do. Maybe the reality is sinking in, or the fact that I know that any control I had over my life is now going to be handed over to a soon to be two year old, but I find it harder and harder to NOT worry. Am I crazy, or unrealistic? No. These things I listed above are valid and reasonable concerns. So why before, when there was so much unknown, was it easier to trust than it is now? Is it because the issues are concrete and not a figment of my imagination? Is it because I never expected to be faced with these issues? I don't know. But here they are and here I am. "TRUST ME". ugh.
As of now Audrey doesn't have a father, a Daddy. She doesn't have a man who will make her feel like the prettiest princess, or kiss her booboo's, or tell her she is the smartest little girl in the world. She doesn't have a man in her life to be the leader of her home, be an example of Christ, or lead her to Jesus. She has me. And this scares me to death. Of all the concerns I have listed above, the over-riding question I have is, "Am I going to be enough for her?" God tells me that I am and I have to believe Him. I have to believe Him because he told me to believe Him. Guess my years of teaching fatherless, lost children cause me to doubt this simple command. But His word states it clearly:
Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'