How In The World Did I Get Here And Where Are The Street Signs?

36. Age 36. That year was a difficult one for me. I was aging out of Bible Study Fellowship, hadn't had a date in a looooooooooong time, and I was wondering what the heck I was to do with my life. I have wanted to be a wife and mother for most of my life and that hadn't happened yet. I had been teaching for years and I wasn't "feeling the joy" about it like I used to. I could hear the "tick tick tick" of the ol' biological clock just a tickin' away. I was restless. And ........................I was ready..........................for something...................something.................................What Was That Something?????

I am adopted and I have always wanted to adopt. I always knew that I was going to adopt, just after I had married and birthed children of course. God, however, has had other plans for me. Like I said, age 36 was rough. After a few months of pouting and basically feeling sorry for myself I sat out to pray intently and seek God's will for my life. Was I to be a missionary? NO - I could suffer for the Lord in Paris only, anywhere else was out of the question. Was I to take students on yearly trips to Europe? NO - thank you EF Tours and a jerk of a tour guide to ruin that dream for me. Was I to move somewhere and start all over? NO - couldnt leave my family. Sigh...what to do, what to do......
Alot of people think that to "hear" God we need to wait for a clear audible voice (I've always imagined it a cross between Darth Vader and Aslan) and have a street sign pop up right in front of us everytime we have a question. Wouldn't that be great? But that isn't the way God works. For me He usualy brings things up slowly - scriptures that keep showing up in my studies, circumstances, people that cross my path, song lyrics....simple messages that after a while I pick up on. It was the caucasian family with the asian children in the Piaza San Marco, spending the evening with a lady who had adopted 4 children internationally, two family member independently suggesting without provocation that I look into adopting, catching some news stories about international adoption and feeling like I would fall apart if I didn't start looking into agencies, on and on and on. That still small voice was a whisper...but I got it. I set out that evening to look for an agency - that is a whole other story I'd like to share at another time - but within a day I found the one that I chose: Childrens Hope International. People always ask me why I chose China - but I always knew it was going to be China. Ever since I saw part of a documentary of abandoned babies in China, I always knew I would adopt from there.
What was supposed to be a 9 month wait quickly grew to a two year wait...and then quickly a four year wait. Many things have gone into this: more families adopting from China, less babies available, more families keeping their girl babies. I happened to just get in at the start of the slow down. Many times over these last four years I have questioned God if this was still the path for me. Where are the street signs telling me where to go? Where is the map? I need a bonk on the head to reasure me that this is where I need to be!!!! He would let me explore other options for a while, but would always bring me back to where I needed to be - His ways are not my ways, His time is not my time.

Last fall God started leading me to get on the ball and renew some paperwork that had to be completed before I could look at children on the waiting list - these children are either older, have a medical issue, or are both. I had never planned on looking at chilren on that list, but all last year I could not keep from looking at the list an a daily basis. I had planned to be matched with a child that was between 6 and 12 months, now I was looking at children that were a wee bit older. I had not wanted to "pick" my child because I knew I would choose for all the wrong reasons, and here I was sorting through files of babies who needed a mother. Massive. Direction. Change. No street signs, no head bonking, just a still small voice leading me here.....and to her.......